Stay at home moms deserve more kudos.
(We are also privy to secrets that working moms just don’t know.)
As a working mom during most of my children’s lives, I still feel a tug of self doubt creeping in now and then asking me, “Is this all I’m going to be doing?” Since leaving the workforce recently, I’m not sure how to handle down time. I usually compensate for my downtime by throwing myself into my new business for several days proclaiming, “Mission Accomplished.”. Whew. .. Then, I feel worthy again.
The truth is, yes, this really is it for now. Most days I am happy to be supporting my unique learner and advocating for unique learners who don’t have access to the world like my son does right now. Other days, I stew.
Why the constant drive? Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy my life these days and I’ve left behind a bureaucracy that tore out my soul, but often I’m left wondering what more SHOULD I, or could I be doing?
Why is it when I increase the amount of stuff I complete, I feel accomplished and yet helping my son navigate his way in the world seems trivial? I always said I could never be a stay- at- home mom because I’d be bored and often I am. Other days, I remember the constant rush, push for more, nonsensical bureaucracy, and frustrating mandates and I’m thankful that part of my life is over and vow never to return. I do cherish my inner peace.
Have you ever felt the same way? Whether you’re new to the stay at home thing or you’ve never been in the workforce, do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough? What exactly is “enough”? Is this society adding the pressure or is it self-imposed? Are you the kind of mom who cooks elaborate dinners, decorates the house like a Macy’s Day Parade, or cleans to perfection? Do you feel better when you’re busy or are you satisfied with your plate of duties for the family? I’m still learning.
I know more is not always “more”, but some habits are hard to break.
In my former life (yes, I almost feel like two different people), I shopped almost every day, my kids had clothes they barely wore, and when I got tired of an outfit, I went out that day and bought a new one. I laughed, saying that sometimes I felt my job was to keep the economy going. (Little did I realize…) We ate in restaurants several times a week and were comfy in our middle class lives. We knew we didn’t have money to buy a new car or re-carpet the house (though we probably could have had we not eaten out almost nightly), so we considered ourselves not well off at all. In retrospect, I wish I’d carpeted the house when I had the money.
Summers meant we, as a family, we were all off school and so we were lucky enough to get to know each other over those months (in between preparation for the upcoming school year). That was when I’d take the time to get to know my own kids again. Summer was a blessing. I don’t know how parents who work full time year round do it. I always felt like I was letting my kids down, but what could I do? I was there as much as I could. There’s no way we could make it on one income; right? Actually, wrong.
Once the school year started back up, gone were the relaxed days of summer and hectic-hectic ran the show. I never had time for breakfast, I dropped my kids off at morning care an hour before school started and picked them up 2 hours after school ended. I considered myself a pretty attentive mom. Yes, I paid attention to other people’s children all day, but by night I was there for my kids (to help with homework) and to read to them at night. Of course, then I was off to do my schoolwork in the evenings while vegetating in front of the tv.
Everything was a race. May was my finish line and I worked ahead as much as possible to make the lives of my students better. Sounds admirable; huh? Yes, it was. But, what about my own kids? I always thought, “If I could only get ahead…”
It was a constant hamster treadmill and I never could catch up.
My life was filled with stuff. Stuff I bought, stuff to buy, stuff to do, stuff to accomplish, stuff to think about for tomorrow, and stuff to worry about- SO MUCH STUFF.
I bought into the American Dream years ago. Not the Ozzie & Harriet dream, but the modern day version where mom works, the family makes enough money to go out to dinner most nights, buys trinkets on a whim, and contributes $20 like it’s pocket change. I lived it. At times I loved the freedom I had with money living in the moment and it’s easy to forget that most of the time I was overwhelmed, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. I barely knew my own children. Yet sometimes I want to go back. It was easier in some ways. I was my own person. I knew my job and I was my job. I had been doing it for so long and had successes. I was comfortable in my personal expectations. I had it all and was doing it all. It was fun, but…. Damn, it was exhausting. Then, I left and overnight my world changed. … drastically.
I went from having TONS to do, to having nothing to do. I shouldn’t say, “Nothing.” I started a business, attended classes to help me learn about business, I started a blog (and write for 3 now), I Tweet, I have a business Facebook page, I write (almost) daily, I research for the book I’m writing, I support my child in his self-directed homeschool learning, I volunteer teach 3 events for my oldest’s Science Olympiad, and yet, I feel like I’m not doing enough….most days. I think I should actually write it all out some days. It might help me realize how much I really do.
These days I have transient stuff. It comes and goes. I no longer buy books online and from the bookstores. Instead, I download or read via computer articles and the library and I are good friends again. My clothes are from a full closet from my “money days” and a $10 outfit is a splurge. Wow….what a change! Did your life change as drastically as mine when you decided to stay home and homeschool? My life is much more about my children and less about me. I thought I knew it would be a big change, but I hadn’t imagined it would be so long lasting.
I’ve traded a lot. I traded money and a comfortable, material life for getting to know my children, peaceful sleeps, and calming yoga. I now curl up with a book and a cup of tea in my free time; instead of working on schoolwork. I now have time to sit back, breathe, and watch life’s lessons unfold for my kids. I watch them make mistakes and sit back and wait for them to come to me for late night talks about life and learning; instead of intervening prior to mistakes so I can have alone time at night. I now feel my children’s struggles because I’m part of their world these days-not merely running parallel to them.
I now notice nature, bask in the sunshine, don’t mind the rain as much, and have time to think. I don’t feel rushed most of the time and that calmness affects my family every day.
You know the old saying, ” When momma aint happy, ain’t nobody happy” ?
Well, momma is happier these days.
These days I’m able to give my youngest son the gift of homeschooling. It’s not all sunshine and roses, but I have the patience and time to make it count these days. I can devote time to help him learn his way.
My oldest opted to stay at his school, but he doesn’t cry in frustration like he used to. Mom is is here, available to help with the dreaded Vocabulary Workshop and keep the burden of schoolwork in context. Schoolwork isn’t life. It’s supposed to be preparing you for life, though most if the time the process, not the content is the real preparation. Doing your best is all anyone can ask. Doing your best doesn’t mean sacrificing your peace of mind in place of a good grade or to please a teacher.
Doing your best is delivering crappy work some days. It’s about acceptance and moving on too. Doing your best is about being content with life, watching it unfold before your very eyes, and savoring both the good days and the learning situations that present themselves through our struggles.
Now, I’m doing my best and reminding myself that it all really does count.
Thanks for listening.
Learning 2 Teach 4 Home 